Self Portrait: Day 20 // 8:45pm

me-22

Excuses, excuses!

I went into this personal photography project with three main goals:

  • To challenge myself creatively
  • To push the boundaries of my photography
  • To get outside of my comfort zone

And after officially hitting ninety-seven days into my self-portrait project I can’t help but feel pretty disappointed at the fact that I have not stuck with it, consistently.

**Sigh.

I am so far behind in reaching my goal; that in all honesty a part of me thinks it might be best to just call it a day.

The harsh truth is that the only thing stopping me from achieving my goal right now…is me.

And like many occasions before, I have gone into something with the greatest of intentions but the execution of it is where I often stumble.

Why is that?

Quite simply, it’s because I have given myself excuse after excuse as to why I shouldn’t just get off my butt and just do it!

  • My hair looks bad today
  • I’m too tired
  • It’s too cold outside
  • I’m not good enough to come up with a photo worth posting
  • No one even cares if I post another photo again or not anyway

The list could go on, but I won’t bore you.

My point.

I have allowed excuses and insecurities to overshadow my ability to achieve.

(With perhaps a dash of laziness in there too).

The very reason I started this project in the first place has turned out to be the same reason as to why I want to quit!

I have been my own worst enemy.

So, with this revelation I could either continue to let this same defeatists attitude win like it has so many times before.

OR.

Perhaps this time I can do something different?

Yep.

I think I like the sound of the latter.

And what better time to start then now?!

Ok, so I may not have posted over ninety photos of myself like I should have by this stage of the project, but if I really look at it from the other side; the process so far has in-fact challenged me on more levels than I could have ever expected – especially on a personal and spiritual level!

“God, you really do surprise me with the ways in which you speak to me and transform my inner most parts”

And yes, my photography skills have been stretched. I have been using new techniques and camera functions I didn’t know existed; and the imagery I am producing allows me to be creative in a way that expresses who I am as a person and artist.

I am free to be me.

And you know what?

Now that I really think about it – I have actually gone outside my comfort zone!

I’ve had people stare at me as they pass me by on the street. It isn’t every day you see a random person standing with a camera and a tripod striking a pose!

Surely they must think I am super into myself if I am ‘brave’ enough to photograph myself in public?

I care way too much about what others think of me.

Since doing this project – I seem to care less.

And yes, I am photographing elements of myself that are usually kept private.

I am made vulnerable by putting my life and myself on display for anyone and everyone to see.

But that’s ok.

Because today…

I am one step closer to reaching my goal.

And that is a heck of a lot closer than I was yesterday.

Do you struggle with certain insecurities that stop you from achieving your goals and desires? Perhaps you are like me and you find yourself making excuse after excuse?

I encourage you to try writing out a list similar to what I did, of five common excuses or insecurities that have you convinced that you can’t achieve something you have desired to do; then taking that list, reverse it with reasons why you can!

Perhaps if you are open enough you can share this list or your experiences too? Let’s share in the conversation.

Amanda x

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5 thoughts on “Self Portrait: Day 20 // 8:45pm

  1. I feel like nobody really cares often. But then I have to refocus and remember what is important. Because if you can strive to hit your goals no matter what or who is watching….You build a huge sense of who you are as a person.

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    1. Hey Lloyd. Thanks for your thoughts. I agree. Focus is key! I think for me, part of the journey has been about discovering what is important to me and doing it with purpose…which often doesn’t fit the mould of what the world tells me I should do. Knowing our Identity is so important – but if we don’t even know where we truly come from and how important we are, we often go through life seeking after answers in places that bring us zero fulfilment. That leaves us feeling like no one cares. Do you ever feel that way? Like no matter what you achieve and what goals you meet there’s still an emptiness or void?

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      1. Well I’ll be honest… I’m an over thinker! So yes because of childhood trauma, being an artist and a big time thinker…. I always seek to fill that void. It has gotten a ton better with a lot of work, but it’s kind of an ongoing quest to fit in…. To feel important. I love the fact that you took the time to respond. That’s speaks volumes about who you are!

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  2. Hey Amanda, I’m absolutely encouraged in your journey to challenging yourself. I’m a fan of the maxim that ‘Life is a journey, not a destination, so your progress should definitely be celebrated 🙂 Congratulations!!

    From my own experience, I think Excuses and Insecurities were not the “Problem” but really “Symptoms”. For example, if excuses are the symptoms, then the real problem is I’m weak at discipline and partial to procrastination.

    Only then do I resolve it, not by having more willpower or more positive affirmations or more focus or more chocolate but having sound processes, systems and accountability in place.

    I hate going to the gym so I get a mate to push me. I hate doing essays so I go to a coffee shop. I struggle reading my bible so I tell myself just read one line a day so Bible reading goes from one line to two lines to ten lines a day etc. That’s how execution becomes easy, everyday.

    You nailed it when you said consistency and I think making it hard for you to fail is key.

    Bud, I love your work and it’s awesome seeing God moving in your life like this! So inspiring.

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